very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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