i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
