You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
