Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
