My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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