No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
