saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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