i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I didn't notice because vodka
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
