I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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