took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
