i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We are two peas in an std pod
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
