i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
