hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
