she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
