she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
