we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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