This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
