I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
