What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
