Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
