Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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