somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
