I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
