Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
