Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
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