I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
