More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
