Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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