i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
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My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
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How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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