You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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