Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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