hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
