Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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