Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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