The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
