Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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