Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
