I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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