Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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