we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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