You smell like stripper and shame
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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