I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
did i walk over a car last night?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
