allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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