Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
