well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
