Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
