He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
