Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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