Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
