He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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