That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
