My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
