my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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