I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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