when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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