you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
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you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
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But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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